"Freedom is instantaneous the moment we accept things as they are"
Karen Maezon Miller
For a long time my life was filled with the opinions of others, I was surrounded by pity, compassion, by mistrust and disbelief. Did people respect me? Was I a valid human, just lying here some days and doing nothing for myself? Was I right to act this way? If I followed some suggestions, just getting out of bed would mean I could climb a mountain. Others thought I was capable of almost nothing.
I've spent a long time discovering the truth. Accepting my truth and realising an acceptance is difficult, but in some ways it is the doorway to freedom, the doorway to recovery.
Acceptance is a struggle everyday, but when I find it, I encounter self-belief, confidence and a trust in the path I have chosen. I find freedom.
Showing posts with label acceptance. Show all posts
Showing posts with label acceptance. Show all posts
Friday, 3 August 2012
Thursday, 14 June 2012
My Day Continued
5pm woke five minutes ago from a dozy, sleepy afternoon, drifting in and out of unconsciousness with The Chamber Of Secrets continuing beside me, keeping me sane.
8.30pm woke at 8pm after more drifting in and out of The Chamber Of Secrets. At 5.30pm I began feeling very strange, mixture of dizziness-without the vertigo, nausea and foggy head syndrome(yes, I just made that one up!) still not feeling great, so sitting in bed, continuing to listen to Stephen Fry and obviously typing! I try not to sleep after 6pm unless something is desperately wrong as I will usually wake by 10pm and then loose my sleep routine for the night. So bed it was and shall be for this evening. Unlike usual I am not watching TV while sitting/lying here or trying to do any reading or knitting.
Next Day
So had a good night's sleep, only punctuated by one of my hot water bottles bursting at about 9.30pm. I was saturated, as was the main sheet and mattress cover. Action stations worked quite well and the bed was half-changed, as was I, within about 10 minutes. I then quickly went online and ordered three new ones from Amazon. They are particularly budget friendly! at this time of year and we always need a stash of spare ones for incidents such as these. (failed last night!)
It is interesting to document a day such as this. In the week of an ME patient, even one who is recovering, there are days of calmness and days of confusion. Yesterday was unusual in that I slept in the evening, but not unheard of. I usually have an afternoon sleep 4-5 days a week, of an hour or up to three hours. Otherwise have an inactive resting morning or afternoon; I'm lucky in that sometimes I can choose if a friend or appointment requires the day to be flipped.
Asking why days like yesterday happen is usually not a good idea. Analysing and questioning such things can be overly exhausting. Maybe I ate something that didn't agree, maybe I slept in an odd position in the afternoon, maybe a yoga pose was too much, maybe I lifted something at the weekend that is just starting to show itself as an unwise move. It could even be something completely beyond my control- likely candidate hay fever, as my eyes are sensitive and my sinuses have been aching too- washing my hair might help and changing the bed clothes again. I am unlikely to know. If I keep listening to my body and follow my best options as well as learning a little bit every week if it feels right, then I will be doing my best. "do your best, leave the rest!"
8.30pm woke at 8pm after more drifting in and out of The Chamber Of Secrets. At 5.30pm I began feeling very strange, mixture of dizziness-without the vertigo, nausea and foggy head syndrome(yes, I just made that one up!) still not feeling great, so sitting in bed, continuing to listen to Stephen Fry and obviously typing! I try not to sleep after 6pm unless something is desperately wrong as I will usually wake by 10pm and then loose my sleep routine for the night. So bed it was and shall be for this evening. Unlike usual I am not watching TV while sitting/lying here or trying to do any reading or knitting.
Next Day
So had a good night's sleep, only punctuated by one of my hot water bottles bursting at about 9.30pm. I was saturated, as was the main sheet and mattress cover. Action stations worked quite well and the bed was half-changed, as was I, within about 10 minutes. I then quickly went online and ordered three new ones from Amazon. They are particularly budget friendly! at this time of year and we always need a stash of spare ones for incidents such as these. (failed last night!)
It is interesting to document a day such as this. In the week of an ME patient, even one who is recovering, there are days of calmness and days of confusion. Yesterday was unusual in that I slept in the evening, but not unheard of. I usually have an afternoon sleep 4-5 days a week, of an hour or up to three hours. Otherwise have an inactive resting morning or afternoon; I'm lucky in that sometimes I can choose if a friend or appointment requires the day to be flipped.
Asking why days like yesterday happen is usually not a good idea. Analysing and questioning such things can be overly exhausting. Maybe I ate something that didn't agree, maybe I slept in an odd position in the afternoon, maybe a yoga pose was too much, maybe I lifted something at the weekend that is just starting to show itself as an unwise move. It could even be something completely beyond my control- likely candidate hay fever, as my eyes are sensitive and my sinuses have been aching too- washing my hair might help and changing the bed clothes again. I am unlikely to know. If I keep listening to my body and follow my best options as well as learning a little bit every week if it feels right, then I will be doing my best. "do your best, leave the rest!"
Sunday, 3 June 2012
Crash
This is a stage of the illness which can come and go, but is generally the first initial realisation of having something seriously wrong.
The Crash stage is defined as absolute exhaustion, total and utter desperation for relying on others and no real chance of achieving anything through the day.
The main problem for this stage is that action has to be taken to remove yourself from it. All obligations have to be cleared and bed rest is the answer. Crash leaves muscle aches, headaches, joint pain from slightest movements, possibly even constant nausea and very little energy to eat and digest food and drink- for this reason indigestion is another symptom that will rear it's ugly head.
Bed rest can be boring, tedious, never-ending; leaving a feeling of desperation and through this a glimpse of optimism has to be found somewhere. Acceptance of the situation is the first step- which might take a coupe of days as dips and crashes can be confusing, usually for me a sore throat is the first sign that something isn't quite right. After acceptance come action: sleep, rest, sleep rest!
It is at these times when I keep in touch with the world through TV and radio, newspaper reviews and weather forecasts. Looking forward to particular programmes everyday, but avoiding depressing soaps and films. Chat shows and magazine shows are great for the short attention span needed and I would also watch DVDs of TV series - again looking forward to the next episode as it helped the time pass. I also joined Facebook so that I could become part of daily life and find out what friends were up to just half a mile away. Emails everyday, or when I was able, became a good source of encouragement too.
It may seem like a giving-up option, but when bed rest is needed, for the body to heal this is a good option. By scheduling a sleep every afternoon I had a good indicator of when more activity can be added. As the weeks went by I noticed that less and less sleep was necessary, so I added little activities instead. I bought a few magazines to read, managed a bit of knitting, started searching and reading more about the illness online everyday and this was combined with a little yoga on a daily basis, with meditations and audio books.
If recovery is not monitored with careful pacing or little obstacles appear that are unavoidable like a virus or family situation, crash will happen during recovery. It will be less of a disastrous crash; more of a hiccup, but similar responses are required. Complete bed rest being one and just slipping back to a quieter routine, being another. I know one of the best things for me in these times is to avoid leaving the house, cut myself off from visitors and give myself some space. A couple of phone calls every week and an afternoon sleep every day, keeping my diet healthy and accessible, with a favourite DVD set or book to read is what usually helps me. After a couple of weeks of floating through I feel better able to pick myself up and keep going. Crash (or even just a little dip) requires acceptance and action.
The Crash stage is defined as absolute exhaustion, total and utter desperation for relying on others and no real chance of achieving anything through the day.
The main problem for this stage is that action has to be taken to remove yourself from it. All obligations have to be cleared and bed rest is the answer. Crash leaves muscle aches, headaches, joint pain from slightest movements, possibly even constant nausea and very little energy to eat and digest food and drink- for this reason indigestion is another symptom that will rear it's ugly head.
Bed rest can be boring, tedious, never-ending; leaving a feeling of desperation and through this a glimpse of optimism has to be found somewhere. Acceptance of the situation is the first step- which might take a coupe of days as dips and crashes can be confusing, usually for me a sore throat is the first sign that something isn't quite right. After acceptance come action: sleep, rest, sleep rest!
It is at these times when I keep in touch with the world through TV and radio, newspaper reviews and weather forecasts. Looking forward to particular programmes everyday, but avoiding depressing soaps and films. Chat shows and magazine shows are great for the short attention span needed and I would also watch DVDs of TV series - again looking forward to the next episode as it helped the time pass. I also joined Facebook so that I could become part of daily life and find out what friends were up to just half a mile away. Emails everyday, or when I was able, became a good source of encouragement too.
It may seem like a giving-up option, but when bed rest is needed, for the body to heal this is a good option. By scheduling a sleep every afternoon I had a good indicator of when more activity can be added. As the weeks went by I noticed that less and less sleep was necessary, so I added little activities instead. I bought a few magazines to read, managed a bit of knitting, started searching and reading more about the illness online everyday and this was combined with a little yoga on a daily basis, with meditations and audio books.
If recovery is not monitored with careful pacing or little obstacles appear that are unavoidable like a virus or family situation, crash will happen during recovery. It will be less of a disastrous crash; more of a hiccup, but similar responses are required. Complete bed rest being one and just slipping back to a quieter routine, being another. I know one of the best things for me in these times is to avoid leaving the house, cut myself off from visitors and give myself some space. A couple of phone calls every week and an afternoon sleep every day, keeping my diet healthy and accessible, with a favourite DVD set or book to read is what usually helps me. After a couple of weeks of floating through I feel better able to pick myself up and keep going. Crash (or even just a little dip) requires acceptance and action.
Saturday, 26 May 2012
Patience
My Dad taught me to play patience. His parents taught me too. It is a great pass-time for those days when I need a time-passer. It has also taught me a great thing. And I am sure you can guess what that might be!
I was playing yesterday evening. Sitting in bed with my tray and patience cards. I remembered a game I had not played for a while and decided to give it a go. It was an easier one to complete than one I had been playing the last few weeks- or so I thought. Over about 45 minutes I laid the cards out, dealt and moved them around. Each of 5 or 6 times, the game would not complete. What was going wrong? This is not unusual, a few weeks ago I laid out a similar game over and over again for an hour, without success. It wasn't until I attempted the same game a few days later that it completed three times in a row!
As I packed the cards away yesterday I noticed three cards sat next to me on the bed! They had obviously escaped the set I had been dealing with and may have been the reason this game was refusing to complete. After an instant sinking feeling, I laughed out loud and knew it had to be something I told my Dad next time I saw him- he would be laughing out loud too-LOL.
The reason I mention this phenomenon is that the card games I have been playing over the years have taught me a very good lesson. When I play alone or with others I smile all the way through. Nothing is determined in life. You are dealt your cards and you smile whether the game works out your way or not. By enjoying the process I have a much better desire to accept my situation. Knowing that it may take a few attempts to reach certain goals, gives me a strength and an acceptance if there is a necessity to deal out those cards again a few times along the way. This has happened numerous times in my illness and we have discovered sometimes that some of those cards are missing. In those times I have picked up these patience cards and started again. I smile when I am winning- who wouldn't?- and after an initial sinking feeling, I smile when I am not. Be that a smile through a full hibernation or just sitting on a choppy wave.
I was playing yesterday evening. Sitting in bed with my tray and patience cards. I remembered a game I had not played for a while and decided to give it a go. It was an easier one to complete than one I had been playing the last few weeks- or so I thought. Over about 45 minutes I laid the cards out, dealt and moved them around. Each of 5 or 6 times, the game would not complete. What was going wrong? This is not unusual, a few weeks ago I laid out a similar game over and over again for an hour, without success. It wasn't until I attempted the same game a few days later that it completed three times in a row!
As I packed the cards away yesterday I noticed three cards sat next to me on the bed! They had obviously escaped the set I had been dealing with and may have been the reason this game was refusing to complete. After an instant sinking feeling, I laughed out loud and knew it had to be something I told my Dad next time I saw him- he would be laughing out loud too-LOL.
The reason I mention this phenomenon is that the card games I have been playing over the years have taught me a very good lesson. When I play alone or with others I smile all the way through. Nothing is determined in life. You are dealt your cards and you smile whether the game works out your way or not. By enjoying the process I have a much better desire to accept my situation. Knowing that it may take a few attempts to reach certain goals, gives me a strength and an acceptance if there is a necessity to deal out those cards again a few times along the way. This has happened numerous times in my illness and we have discovered sometimes that some of those cards are missing. In those times I have picked up these patience cards and started again. I smile when I am winning- who wouldn't?- and after an initial sinking feeling, I smile when I am not. Be that a smile through a full hibernation or just sitting on a choppy wave.
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