Tuesday, 29 April 2014

Absolutely Shattered

So my body is going through a shattered exhaustiveness at the moment. I've had it for a couple of weeks I think. I have put on a bit of a front with other people, I even visited family and let the busyness continue around me. But by saying it like it is I've had a better response. A simple example was on our way to our accommodation when visiting our family. A road was closed, which would have dictated a confusing long detour, I decided to knock on a friend's door and ask to stay the night. It was a simple request and when we explained that we didn't know the roads, I was too shattered to navigate and we don't have a Sat Nav, there was no question of them turning us away. We were even offered their bed as they could see how much I needed a good night's rest after a long journey. Feeling guilt and worrying about other people judging me slips from my mind very quickly now and makes my life a lot easier! By showing them love and gratitude there was no animosity- and we had fun that morning over breakfast, giving the mum a chance to cook herself breakfast while we took care of the children.
My body is healing and I realise sometimes it just sits and watches from the inside as the world continues to turn. I feel so much more able to let that happen when I am in control of my environment. That's not always easy, but by giving in to other's whims and living by society's rules I get myself deeper into tiredness debt, so I try to stay in charge and create what I need within other's whims and society's rules. Life can work quite well like that!
My house will be invaded by builders for the next three weeks and it is optimally important that I don't let it stress me or overly influence my routine away from the norm. So simple food, regular rests, leaving the house occasionally with a friend or my husband to see a different view will all be good rules to live by as these weeks go by. I also accept that as it continues, changes and decisions may need to be made and I will be the one who needs a clear head to answer those queries. As it ends (and my bank account is run particularly dry!) I must be prepared to accept relief along with a period of recovery.
If this sounds all too perfect and I appear like a worshipable guru, I offer you that chance to worship!..but I make so many mistakes and only looking back do I see how well I've done to notice those mistakes so soon. By making small changes within my limits and seeing how I could change my approach, then planning ahead, as for the next few weeks, I think I'm doing alright.

(It's taken me so long to write this, sat here at the kitchen table, body collapsing every few minutes, head hanging as I search my brain for words- but I had to note this down as a step in my recovery, a step towards coping better with those confusions I've been handed)