Should I Or Shouldn't I?

That is a phrase which I have to expel from my life. I am being taught from all sides (not least my body) that I shouldn't be living by shoulds!
Listening is important, but it is something I have to learn in a new way. Pushing, completing a task, doing well, earning accolade, is a lesson we learn from childhood, it is discipline, determination, drive, making a decision and sticking with it through to the end. I am learning to take a step back, admit when I might not complete a task and be happy with the result as it is.
This morning I went in the garden, the purpose of which was to either walk around or sit under the elder tree and enjoy the view. Did I complete these tasks? No. I noticed the parasol lying by the shed door (it had been there all weekend, getting a right soaking- thankfully it is waterproof!) I leant down, picked up one end, let the water roll from its folds and opened the shed door to put it in its proper place! As all shed owners will know, as soon as the lawnmower has been in and out a few times, a child has dragged a few items from the depths and returned them, a few tools have also been used (and punctured a bag of compost!) the shed it not in quite such a tidy state as it might have been!
What did I do? I stopped, stood still and thought. It was 10am, I had not done anything which might be described as energetic this morning other than organise breakfast and a few yoga poses. So I eyed the view- it wasn't too bad. Stand a few folding chairs upright, move a few tools to reduce the clutter, pile the compost (we have small bags of compost, which has to be mixed with water before using, so they're not heavy) and replace the toys in one corner of the shed so they can be easily found. Yes, achievable. I did it.
Next I walked, to sit under the tree. I saw three thistles in the herb bed just about to seed- Yuck! Could I dig them out, without getting too involved and using too much energy? Yes, the roots are thankfully very short as most of their energy comes from the sun, like sunflowers. Back to the shed, out came a fork. (one regret, which I will remember for next time, is that I didn't get the smaller fork, it would not have been so heavy) It didn't take too long to dig out the thistles and a couple of other weeds. I used the fork, so didn't have to touch the thistles or bother with finding gloves. Our purple sage, fennel and chives, and hebe at the back, looked much happier.
My body began to tell me that was enough.
I listened.
I stopped, put away the fork, walked inside and saw that I had been less than ten minutes. Well done. I would have patted myself on the back if I could!
So I had discipline, determination to a certain extent and I earned myself an accolade. I didn't push myself neither did I decide on my task before starting. I began, listened and finished when necessary. If this had been three years ago I would have been pushing, driving, forcing, clearing more of the herb bed, or at the very least falling into a heap with the feeling of failure when I couldn't! I didn't know there was another choice. No one could recover from ME, I had to live with it and lump it and wait for a miraculous cure 15 years down the line. My discipline then would have been to do this today, tomorrow and the next day then spend a week in bed afterwards, crashing- but the job would have been done.
I am learning to live without shoulds and musts and accept things as they are. Believing all the while that recovery will find me and I have to accept that as and when it comes too.