The Ladder of Health

Yes, a ladder.

I started using this analogy last year and it has grown into something quite profound. I want to share it with you.
I crashed two years ago. I went to bed. I had no choice. I could barely move some days. My body gave up, but I didn't!
I listened and said, "OK, you win" I'll give you a few weeks, check some blood tests and see what happens. It had been starting to flail in January, I had actually gone to my doctor and complained of feeling more tired! Not just tired, more tired! There is a difference, as I am sure many of you will know.
So at this point if I had the ladder I would have said to myself,
"do you need to sit on your current step for a while or go down a step?"
I didn't realise that I needed to go down a step, off-load some of my responsibilities and give myself a break.
By the summer I had been falling down the steps, without realising it. Not really listening... pushing, doing what I expected myself to do; keep going, strive and you will succeed. I wanted to have a slightly interesting life. I accepted I was ill, just wanted a little piece of the social cake- a slice of life outside the home. I was careful, made sacrifices left, right and centre, but did not purposefully take that step back by my own choosing.
So by doing all this, my body made the decision. It pushed me off the ladder and told me to sit on the floor for a while. I kept getting up and it kept pushing me back off, for about 18 months in cycles of 3-6 months, I was constantly doing and flailing, doing and flailing. Stepping up the ladder too soon, only to fall back onto the floor.
Last November something happened. OH and I decided that we had to come first. Our needs above everyone else's and for the time being most of my needs over his.
I stepped back onto the floor and happily sat down. What a relief that was. To make the decision myself!
Christmas was the best we had ever had. I was ill- yes I was ill. We were smiling to jaw-breaking standards. Family and friends who didn't understand were laughably annoying. But friends and family who did understand suddenly came out of the wood-work and switched on the light. We had support we didn't know was there.
Even Olympic athletes have to step back occasionally; a ham-string injury or twisted ankle might take them out of full capacity training for a couple of weeks and who is likely to ever reach the top of the ladder? The idea is not to aim for the top, but to reach your comfortable step, sit down happily and be yourself. I reckon I'm on the first step, I've tested the second step a few times in the last couple of months and know it's not quite strong enough for me yet. I will wait until it is, as the last thing I want is to be pushed back to the floor and have to do time there again.

Call It What You Will...

I am hibernating again. Probably due to last week's Now What? crisis.
Waking up is the most difficult thing. As my eyelids start to fight, (I know it's time to wake up, I'm feeling hungry- they may not quite agree!) my mind realises what is going on. "Oh crikey, one of Those days again. Be positive, stay optimistic, you'll get through, you have before. Why should the rest of the day feel the same as it does now" The problem is that the evidence is there. My limbs are limp. They don't want to move. Getting out of bed is usually an effort, but today is even more so. Without wanting to predict the future and be totally pessimistic a day started like this is unlikely to continue much better. I know if I don't get some kind of routine in before breakfast my day will feel even worse. Usually I have bathroom, dressed, yoga, meditation, breakfast.
This morning to help me out of bed and from the advice of my yoga teacher, I did yoga in bed first. Staying lying down to start with; watching my breathing; then just moving my legs a bit with my breath; sitting up and bending over so my head was lower than my heart and finally stretching out my arms and neck. All with the flow of my breath, so I felt more able to actually remove myself from the bed and get started.
My next thought was to eat breakfast and make it as painless as possible. Muffin, yoghurt and organic decaf coffee (it may not have the kick, but psychologically it tastes the same, so must have the same effect!).
Sitting here at the kitchen table with the iPad and keyboard I am now still feeling limp. My shoulders are slouching, although thanks to all that yoga practice, they are slouching backwards rather than forwards! My neck is having issues with keeping my head upright and my eyelids are still fighting! I have my legs up on another chair, I'm wearing thick socks, other than wearing them and a cardigan I haven't changed out of my pyjamas and have a cushion supporting my lower back. I'm feeling very sorry for myself.
Why am I sitting here rather than in bed? I realise that I must at least prove to myself that I am better than I was 6 months ago. I am typing, that is a big thing. I am sitting in a chair. I am enjoying the view from the kitchen window.
One day this week I will wake up and feel lighter, removing myself from the bed will not be such a hard task and my morning routine will get closer to my ideal. So I need to be kind to myself today, maybe tomorrow, maybe for the rest of the week. Thinking about how long it might last does not help, I have to stay in the moment and fill my time, as much as I can, with comfort- audio books, Pride and Prejudice, Sleepless In Seattle, also knitting and playing patience, if I can. I also intend to ring a couple of friends to fill the time and to hear another voice.- I'm welling up already!

Audio Books

I mentioned yesterday about listening to Harry Potter and The Chamber of Secrets. Audio books have kept me going for years. Sometimes they are live, sitting on my sofa- my Dad used to read to me every lunchtime. We would watch Working Lunch together- oh yes I had sorted my self out with a pension from the age of 25 thanks to the gurus on there- while eating our lunch and then he would sit and read to me. We went through Treasure Island, 39 Steps, Robinson Crusoe, lots of classics. Also the Harry Potter books when they first appeared (my husband continued with that tradition when the final few were published).
The difficulties, of reading to myself, were varied over the years. Focusing on the page was sometimes difficult. Dizziness would result in me trying to read with one eye open and one eye closed. Nausea would also set in quite quickly after 15-20 minutes. The biggest problems, which are also occurrent now are the lack of short and long term memory, and poor concentration. I can read 3 pages and realise that I have taken in only one paragraph, constantly turning back pages and getting nowhere fast isn't particularly helpful. The tiredness can cause such bad concentration that I might need to give up for a couple of weeks- by which time I have forgotten what I have read so far! My cognitive ability is improving but I still have to see what happens, some days are better than others and non-fiction is easier to read as are books of letters or short chapters and children's books
My husband reads to me now most nights before we turn out the light. It is a great way for me to keep in touch with literature and remember some of my favourites. With such a poor memory I can enjoy the same book a couple of years apart and it will seem completely new to me. We switch between drama and comedy, sci-fi and classic, also reading a lot of children's books for a gentle interlude occasionally, we have gone through the whole Narnia series and also Anne of Green Gables. Every Christmas we come back to a seasonal tale- last year it was 101 Dalmatians, the year before The Box of Delights and before that Harry Potter, preceded by Narnia. (I can remember that but very little of the contents of the books!)
Listening to reading also came in CD and cassette form. Mum would look out for free ones on the newspaper and I bought a few magazines when a series came out of Classic stories. My favourites became Tess Of The D'Urbervilles, Rebecca and Jane Eyre. The incidental music and the tone of the voices became a familiar comfort after a while and if I heard nothing else the background sound of it would lull me to sleep on difficult nights.
I'm listening to Radio 4 Extra a lot, which has book readings and dramatisations- usefully in 15 minute chunks and also available for 7 days on the internet radio via iPlayer. I have also found a couple of websites which have unabridged downloadable readings of books which are in the public domain. Most recently I have found The Secret Garden by Frances Hodgson Burnett. A childhood favourite, I was over the moon to have a new voice read it to me like Jackanory all over again! These times are more for comfort and familiarity than study or great significance. Books just give me something to look forward to, to see the time pass, another daily foothold which has nothing absolutely to do with me being ill.