Yes, oh, boy!
So I've not been writing much these last two days. It's because not a lot is happening. I'm more aware of me. My needs first and all that jazz! If I'm not well enough to do it, it doesn't happen.
Thankfully we had the cleaner round last night. I feel like bowing prostrations to her sometimes! As I was extra tired last week I had no energy to even put things away after I'd used them and some of the bags from holiday are still hanging around waiting for me to devote half an hour to them.
I have been managing a bit of forum chat with the yoga group. Good to know they're out there for me. I've been doing a couple of classes of Qi training. The understanding of Qi is a fascinating world. It is not a faith group but learning how to harness life energy. I certainly need a bit of life energy. So I'm giving it a try.
One book I have been picking up over the last month (it's only about 200 large print pages, so that shows you how long it can take me to read a book!) has helped me understand this more. It is about a Buddhist priest's pilgrimage to South Korea with her Master and senior Master. They climb cliff-edge mountains and wade through typhoons to visit innumerable higher-than-the-clouds monasteries and temples. She learns a lot along the way and realises that all she needs to do is let go and believe in herself. By the end, she "gets" it and her senior Master pronounces her a Master too. The Qi centre, teaches a lot of that too. We don't need to be stressed in life because the energy is there.
A lot of ME is about that. We have to let go and believe that we can recover so that we stop stressing about it so much. By decreasing the mind stress (which helps only to a certain extent!) the body stress can start to heal too. My word there is a lot of body to heal. I hate that my cells are damaged- damn that original virus!!! my muscles still ache if I do a little too strenuous yoga. I get headaches if I don't sleep well or my day has been too busy. I will be able to move on; patience is a big hurdle, it just takes time!
Showing posts with label dreams. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dreams. Show all posts
Wednesday, 25 July 2012
Wednesday, 18 July 2012
Dream Number One
Every week I am going to tell you a dream I have for the future. Be it near or far only time will tell, if I reach them, only time will tell. They may change with time, but for now, they are what I am clinging to, to drive me towards health and happiness.
My husband and I are living independently. The only benefit I receive from the state is a free prescription for my Epilepsy medication. Life is not about searching for the next commitment and saving for next month's rainy day which always comes three weeks earlier than expected!
I am working. Nothing fancy. I do not want to find a major career. I am 37 and do not intend to spend the first years after I find health stretching myself to the limit and pushing myself under. The intention is to not start my own business as I have done in the past, unless I find someone who will be willing to take the time and effort burden from me. I want to work nine to five and come home, away from the 'office'.
An ideal place to start is working in a charity shop, as a volunteer, with the assistance of the benefit system's back-to-work scheme. By getting this experience, I could then start in a small chain retail outlet, where, maybe over time, I might move through the organisation taking on more shifts and progressing to supervisor or assistant manager.
When I was about thirteen years old The Clothes Show appeared on BBC One, at tea time on Sunday evenings. Selina Scott and Jeff Banks would tell us all about the fashion industry from the inspirations, to the shop floor and then of course, how to recreate the cat walk finery with a tighter budget. This was repeated in the monthly magazine, which I bought and eventually had as a Christmas present subscription every year. It gave more inspiration, more encouragement and most importantly it showed me where my path was going. From being a young child I had been very particular about my clothes, I knew my style and no one was going to tell me any different. From the age of nine and ten I might try on nine or ten outfits (I'm not exaggerating!) from my wardrobe before breakfast at the weekend, before finding the right one to suit my mood (and then change during the day too if my mood changed!) Clothes were my expression of me. Mum didn't realise how she encouraged this by finding some of our clothes in jumble sales. This included one week, finding us black sacks full of handmade clothes from an unknown donator. I was hooked, Jeff Banks only cemented the idea in my head.
So unlike my teenage dream of being a milliner or knitwear designer (I have been designing knitwear for the last few years, it just takes a lot of funds, a lot of time and effort to sell it-even online- and unless I eventually sold a few designs to major designers or knitting pattern publishers on a regular basis, it would not support us) I intend to sell fashion in a store, run by someone else and help customers find the right clothes for them.
I have dreams outside of work which would fulfil my other passions and I will tell you about them another time.
My husband and I are living independently. The only benefit I receive from the state is a free prescription for my Epilepsy medication. Life is not about searching for the next commitment and saving for next month's rainy day which always comes three weeks earlier than expected!
I am working. Nothing fancy. I do not want to find a major career. I am 37 and do not intend to spend the first years after I find health stretching myself to the limit and pushing myself under. The intention is to not start my own business as I have done in the past, unless I find someone who will be willing to take the time and effort burden from me. I want to work nine to five and come home, away from the 'office'.
An ideal place to start is working in a charity shop, as a volunteer, with the assistance of the benefit system's back-to-work scheme. By getting this experience, I could then start in a small chain retail outlet, where, maybe over time, I might move through the organisation taking on more shifts and progressing to supervisor or assistant manager.
When I was about thirteen years old The Clothes Show appeared on BBC One, at tea time on Sunday evenings. Selina Scott and Jeff Banks would tell us all about the fashion industry from the inspirations, to the shop floor and then of course, how to recreate the cat walk finery with a tighter budget. This was repeated in the monthly magazine, which I bought and eventually had as a Christmas present subscription every year. It gave more inspiration, more encouragement and most importantly it showed me where my path was going. From being a young child I had been very particular about my clothes, I knew my style and no one was going to tell me any different. From the age of nine and ten I might try on nine or ten outfits (I'm not exaggerating!) from my wardrobe before breakfast at the weekend, before finding the right one to suit my mood (and then change during the day too if my mood changed!) Clothes were my expression of me. Mum didn't realise how she encouraged this by finding some of our clothes in jumble sales. This included one week, finding us black sacks full of handmade clothes from an unknown donator. I was hooked, Jeff Banks only cemented the idea in my head.
So unlike my teenage dream of being a milliner or knitwear designer (I have been designing knitwear for the last few years, it just takes a lot of funds, a lot of time and effort to sell it-even online- and unless I eventually sold a few designs to major designers or knitting pattern publishers on a regular basis, it would not support us) I intend to sell fashion in a store, run by someone else and help customers find the right clothes for them.
I have dreams outside of work which would fulfil my other passions and I will tell you about them another time.
Sunday, 10 June 2012
The Daily Experiment
It has been a strange week. Good week. Feeling like walking on egg shells constantly. Every day has brought something new, I have been tentative and brave accordingly. A new rule with my husband is that he will never ask me if I want the wheelchair he will always presume that I do; I can make the decision without any pressure. I did a bit of walking last weekend, again no traffic and very few people so I did quite well and judged it well with rests.
I was still feeling, last weekend, the impact from the previous week's hot weather and took a lot of rest time to manage that. My nights were pretty bad, with vivid, running from a tiger, dreams. So waking up for most of the last week has been a relief, but not really akin to a good start to the day. In that respect I have struggled with routines too; barely in the mood to drag myself out of bed, let alone think about following any kind of plan for the day. The Bank Holidays (and whenever OH is at home on a week day) seemed to totally mess me up. It was a struggle everyday, but I managed to convince myself to just float along, enjoying my extra support over that longer weekend and then a chance to have my own space Wednesday and Thursday.
I achieved that 10 minutes in the garden on Wednesday, then made myself a sugar-free cake with carob chips. On Thursday I made biscuits for my husband to take to work, really sugary so will avoid them myself. Both days I slept in the afternoon and managed a short yoga routine and meditations.
On a weekly basis I have been attending live 'webinars' with the founder of the recovery programme I have been using. This week's was about meditation and it really encouraged what I had been finding in the previous days. When I had woken with so little focus and motivation all I could find in meditation was a crazy thought-filled head, going nowhere fast. All I had to do was lie on and let it be busy, prove to the head that the body wasn't going to get involved. We also touched on yoga as an exercise as well as a meditation option. I was very much encouraged to investigate this even more and did a bit of searching for some more DVDs or websites to help me. Finding and getting to a quiet, gentle, beginners class with laying down encouraged is not something I desperately want to attempt. I want something aimed at the fatigued, those in recuperation, who don't do much standing or walking and creak when lifting a tray of biscuits from the oven!
So I found something. A great company in Canada, which has sponsorship and takes donations to put free classes online. They are on iTunes and YouTube, under the umbrella of Namaste Yoga and Dr Melissa West. Three new videos have come out in the last week aimed at absolute beginners and in the back catalogue I have found various breathing and meditation based lessons too. Each session is about an hour, so having done lessons with a teacher and practised a lot more by myself, I was sure they would suit me and I could cope without a personal instructor. Realising how difficult I had found it on previous mornings, I set myself a challenge on Thursday evening; to wake up Friday morning and have a smoothie for breakfast, followed by a morning mini yoga retreat in my living room. I did it. With lying, breathing exercises, meditations and about two half-hours of gentle poses, I did almost three hours with the help of two of these new videos and felt much better as a result.
So each day is a challenge, I just have to keep finding new ways of creatively dealing with them as they try to bite me right back!
I was still feeling, last weekend, the impact from the previous week's hot weather and took a lot of rest time to manage that. My nights were pretty bad, with vivid, running from a tiger, dreams. So waking up for most of the last week has been a relief, but not really akin to a good start to the day. In that respect I have struggled with routines too; barely in the mood to drag myself out of bed, let alone think about following any kind of plan for the day. The Bank Holidays (and whenever OH is at home on a week day) seemed to totally mess me up. It was a struggle everyday, but I managed to convince myself to just float along, enjoying my extra support over that longer weekend and then a chance to have my own space Wednesday and Thursday.
I achieved that 10 minutes in the garden on Wednesday, then made myself a sugar-free cake with carob chips. On Thursday I made biscuits for my husband to take to work, really sugary so will avoid them myself. Both days I slept in the afternoon and managed a short yoga routine and meditations.
On a weekly basis I have been attending live 'webinars' with the founder of the recovery programme I have been using. This week's was about meditation and it really encouraged what I had been finding in the previous days. When I had woken with so little focus and motivation all I could find in meditation was a crazy thought-filled head, going nowhere fast. All I had to do was lie on and let it be busy, prove to the head that the body wasn't going to get involved. We also touched on yoga as an exercise as well as a meditation option. I was very much encouraged to investigate this even more and did a bit of searching for some more DVDs or websites to help me. Finding and getting to a quiet, gentle, beginners class with laying down encouraged is not something I desperately want to attempt. I want something aimed at the fatigued, those in recuperation, who don't do much standing or walking and creak when lifting a tray of biscuits from the oven!
So I found something. A great company in Canada, which has sponsorship and takes donations to put free classes online. They are on iTunes and YouTube, under the umbrella of Namaste Yoga and Dr Melissa West. Three new videos have come out in the last week aimed at absolute beginners and in the back catalogue I have found various breathing and meditation based lessons too. Each session is about an hour, so having done lessons with a teacher and practised a lot more by myself, I was sure they would suit me and I could cope without a personal instructor. Realising how difficult I had found it on previous mornings, I set myself a challenge on Thursday evening; to wake up Friday morning and have a smoothie for breakfast, followed by a morning mini yoga retreat in my living room. I did it. With lying, breathing exercises, meditations and about two half-hours of gentle poses, I did almost three hours with the help of two of these new videos and felt much better as a result.
So each day is a challenge, I just have to keep finding new ways of creatively dealing with them as they try to bite me right back!
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