One of Those Days

I am sorry to appear so depressing from just the title but it is one of those days. it's not a jumping for joy day, just a muddle through kind of day. What Ineed is something to lift me, to give me support and motivation, where do I turn on a day like this?
I turn to my blog!
I went through a few posts for some inspiration and what did I find?
Amazing Results -link-
I must choose little things that have happened today to give me an amazing day.  My neighbour has moved. not good, but I will always have her, just up the road and I will also have a new family to connect with.

i have got dressed.
i have found the strength to release some tension in a short walk and a little yoga, including a really good grounding meditation.
i have had a good laugh as I explained to a friend over the phone how many things I could think of that were black and white, and red all over. the last one being a polar bear wearing a black top hat and dinner jacket, with chicken pox!
(Give yourself a laugh every day, I try to do it as a must every day, it is a great release and proof that you're still in touch with the real world.)
i have sent a birthday present off in such good time that it can go Royal Mail Second class. I will have no need to panic about it's arrival!
i have been able to watch my tension, watch my anxiety, that has built up from the last few days, as a casual observer. I know what it is when my neck and throat feels sore and tense and can observe it without worrying, just knowing that it is tension that will dissipate as the reasons calm and filter away over the next few days.
i have quite a few i haves to be grateful for and will focus on them to keep me going, with no need to even contemplate what have nots may be lurking underneath. I see what I am able to do in comparison to last year. I see how then I had to focus on what may be, and believe in what I hadn't seen, now I can focus on improving even more than I have done and improve to points which I still am reaching for without knowing. These goals can be reached and these i haves will encourage me even more.

Finding Encouragement

I have been realising this week, how important trustworthy mentors can be on the road to recovery. Finding people who understand, or at the very least sympathise and support my plight can be difficult enough. Finding people who will encourage and help me on the recovery path is the next step. As I mentioned I read books and continue to do so. I have found websites and teachers who support my cause. 
Now that I am at the stage where i feel I want to leave the house a bit more, and meet different people who can help me in the different stages of my improvement. I want to create relationships which will stay with me for longer. By working through different concepts and building on my understanding of ME as  a physical illness I have a better idea of what might help. It was just what I needed when I found the Qi treatment option three weeks ago.
I could just continue as I am, YouTube yoga classes and slowly beginning to walk a bit further, find myself a little more strength and find a new motivation along side my daily routine. Keeping myself going throughout the week is difficult. I know I need something happening in my diary every week, or fortnight to give me inspiration, something that doesn't rely on me forcing it to happen. If I can't make muffins on a Wednesday because I am just so exhausted when I drag myself out of bed, then what am I going to do? I've started having a visit from a friend very week, who comes round for 30 minutes on a Monday evening and reads to me. We needed to keep in touch, her coming round for a chat was getting tiring as we wanted to talk so much and catch up that it went on too long! (i did love it though!) So 30 minutes every week is do-able and really nice to know it's there.
So where do I go from here? I have contacted an holistic therapist who works nearby, she offers various therapies including Yoga therapy and meditation classes, along with Reiki and Indian head massage, so I will be interested to find what she might be able to offer and discover some new ideas along the way.
Finding and choosing where to go and who to trust can be difficult, I know with builders and plumbers the best way to go is usually word-of-mouth, but I don't know anyone who has private therapy other than seeing a chiropodist for back pain, so am at a bit of  a loss. I have to stab in the dark and know that if they turn out to be untrustworthy, I can bad-mouth them to the rest of the district and leave them without patients for a long time! (my recent experience is not sitting very well, sorry to be sounding so cynical!)

Olympic Fever

No I don't have a fever! But I do have Olympic fever. I have loved touching base this weekend. It has definitely been necessary. My husband and I spent some quality time together this Saturday morning. We went to a nearby National Trust estate and he wheeled me around the ground floor of the house, where I played the piano and we saw some beautiful paintings. The cafe/restaurant was greatly appreciated, with time for a piece of cake and coffee. Then to top it all we had some specialist creamy vanilla ice cream. The visit wasn't all about stuffing our faces as the grounds were amazing, as the storm clouds were threatening over head, we took a couple of great photos. So I managed a bit of walking (as the gravel/grit path was not an easy ride for the wheelchair!) and enjoyed a couple of hours out of the house.
After staying up to past midnight to see the opening ceremony I have been tempted to view even more. The coverage is amazing. Thanks to having the iPad, and a much improved download speed, coincidentally, just this weekend, I can watch whichever live sport I like on the BBC website.
I have the cross country eventing on at the moment and intend to see the diving and swimming later.
The second British rider is going around at the moment, once she is finished I must give myself some love and go and lie in the garden to enjoy the sun while it lasts!
OK, I'll watch the diving first!

Slow Down You Move Too Fast

I'm sure many of you will realise that I am quoting the Simon and Garfunkel song there! The phrase sums up a very important point that ME patients need to keep in mind.
With stress being such a fundamental factor in ME, rushing at any point during the day can only encourage more stress. This has be a key part of why much of the Graded Exercise Therapy has not worked; by doing an activity for only two minutes, the natural instinct is to do as much of that activity as you can in that two minutes- putting washing on the line quickly or cleaning the bathroom sink quickly, chopping vegetables quickly or reading quickly.
Rushing causes mistakes which need to be reversed and if not possible to reverse the consequences form those mistakes then have to be followed up. A simple mistake such as knocking over a drink in your rush to organise your breakfast can have many disastrous effects which suggest more rushing and stress. The instinct would be to rush quickly and find a cloth to clear the mess before it makes even more mess by dripping on the carpet from the edge of the tray, or even more mess by also reaching the clean washing, which is sitting in a pile at the end of the table!
By practising relaxation and meditation the brain is encouraged to take things more slowly. You will notice over time how much calmer the rest of your life becomes. I would laugh about the disasters in life in a couple of hours before but sometimes it might take a few days for the big crises! Now a spilled drink, is a spilled drink. Material things can be damaged and mended- OK an iPhone falling in a bath might not be such a great option for quick laughter, but such luxuries are on home insurance and can be replaced, so laugh about it, tell your mates, enjoy all their stupid stories too- we've all done it! Even what has happen in the last week(link) gave me a laugh very quickly, I was able to even write a post and not feel too embarrassed. Yes it was a stupid mistake and I was sucked in. But I am in a vulnerable position and I accept that, a life's lesson was learned and I am thrilled, elated to be out of it before it went too far. I am also in a calm position, a relaxed position, a slowing down position.
Give it a go, everyone, ME or not, we all need a bit of a laugh and to quote another great song: "The sun'll come out, tomorrow..."
Let's let it come out today!
Slow down, don't move too fast

Dream Number Two

How I need another five minutes to dream...
I am on my hands and knees, listening to birds darting through the sky, to birds singing whilst feeding their hungry chicks, to bees buzzing as they pass me and settle on flower after flower. I am weeding, digging, enjoying my surroundings. Loving the fact that what I have created is mine. Our garden to do with as we wish. My gardening has created a festival of colour, light, sounds, shadow, hidden spaces for wildlife, vegetables growing in the ground reaching out for every last drop of water I can give them with the hose- because next year will be a fruitful, warm, joyful summer, with days of calm, cloudless, skies and barbecues, endless bountiful cheesecakes and ice-creams from April until September.
Now I know I am dreaming!
So I love gardening and I now believe I can be a real gardener rather than a frustrated gardener. I can do as my parents have done for as long as I can remember; tend the garden every weekend, enjoy the wildlife that is encouraged and find pleasure in sitting in different places with cups of tea and enjoying the fruits of their labour. Our garden has gone to pot this year. I have managed very little. The Postman will tell you that I occasionally have the courtesy to make sure the path to the front door is clear of overhanging trees and weeds. So frustrated I have been for years, as much as the garden deemed necessary, was too much for me, for ME. Doing a little and appearing to achieve even less was heartbreaking. This year I have agreed to do practically nothing and so be it. My friend declare last week that she loved it, as it was like an English country cottage garden. Foxgloves have appeared from nowhere this year and filled the garden with colour in May and June. Small weeds, tall and spindly, short and creeping, are taking over now and are thriving. The birds and insects are loving this environment, I have also been spying butterflies and lots of moths too, so something is working. I have always wanted a garden full of plants, full of wildlife and full of life.
Next year and for years to come I will start to create even more of that vision than is here now and I look forward to it with great contentment.

Blimey That Was Close!

What was a close shave was that the Qi centre I started learning with a couple of weeks ago went further than just a centre to help people. I am sure that many Qi healers help people without asking much back. I have read about healers in Korea who heal and ask nothing, as payment in monetary or any other form removes the idea of helping other people.
People who need help are vulnerable. This Qi centre wanted to take us further, myself and my husband. I was receiving amazing things from the treatments- and I felt a difference. Just with a 15 minute treatment I felt refreshed, in some cases even a relief, a floating sensation. It can be described as a form of inducing relaxation, removing tension and acupuncture points are known to achieve this and scientifically proven to achieve this.
So what else were they asking...? The concept was taken further. We all have spirits around us at all times, spirits from our ancestors, they were suggesting. Spiritual healing is available in many forms and as I have not experienced any other I will not comment on them. The big difference here was not only monetary but it was cult status. Leading towards giving up friends, living an isolated life with only a few of the other members, offering the same options to more vulnerable people.
I love the fact that they go out and give treatments to firemen, paramedics, the sick and homeless in shelters and around the streets, children in clubs and offer their services there for free. But the accounts available to see at the government charity commission online don't add up, neither does the extortionate fees for one hour's chanting every day for 49 days to heal the ancestors spirits (they can do chanting for so many people all at once that if they have only one session booked during that day, that is all that they might do)
I understand in Africa there are ceremonies that say goodbye to the spirits as well as the body, it is equivalent to how the Christian world has created the funeral.As much as I believe in giving, as long as I remain vulnerable and need extra help before I can start giving to others, I would rather give what I can myself and help myself first. Giving so much to a charity and buying into a religion for 100 days training and 49 days ancestral healing, for what seems more like the fees of a wedding before I've met the man and understand what a wedding or marriage actually signifies, is not something I'm planning on doing right now! I've enough on my plate!

Everyone's Path Is Different

Recovering from ME can been done in so many ways. Lots of people have recovered. Yes, some have recovered because the original diagnosis was a mistaken one and the chronic fatigue was found to be a symptom of something else, but most patients have been correctly diagnosed and chosen different paths to wellness.
My path has shown me so many things over the years. By finding my husband I had a new purpose and guided myself to remove the seizures from my life. When this was achieved I had a much clearer view of the ME and could decipher the symptoms. What options were there? we decided to clear my life from any complications and give me space. Then reading was done and lots of research about ME. So many options were out there but we realised that so many of these were about one part of the body: just relaxation, or just changing the diet. We knew my illness went a lot deeper than that, and I had tried a lot of these before. So we delved deeper.
From the different recovery stories we read it became clear that I needed to change my lifestyle completely and do many things at once, not just the one. Yoga and meditation appeared as something that had helped many people. I had never wanted to just do a yoga class for an hour once a week. As I investigated I knew I was right in that sense; I found that true yoga is a lifestyle. Encompassing the whole life. Mind, Body and Spirit. It is not a faith it is a belief in oneself.
Now it sounds like I'm preaching!
I found a form of NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming), ME specialists with information ready to be tapped, free and paid for (thank you Internet!). I found information about how the ME body is working so differently to a well body. All the time believing and disbelieving, having good days and bad days, some times feeling more like floating, others sinking into the ground with heaviness. Look how far I have come. I can get dressed most days. I can sit at a table and type. I have dedicated myself to recovery and because I am believing it will happen and am much better for it, it is happening differently to every time I have found a better place before. The yoga has helped me so much, in mind, body and spirit, and I feel that the Qi healing that I have started will too. I may devote my life to them in the future and help people who are finding it difficult like I have been for the last twenty-five years. This is currently my path.
So many things can encompass mind, body and spirit- music, art, gardening, family life. Because by playing music you move your body, you fill your mind with sounds and tones, with understanding and visual learning, you fill your spirit with joy and encouragement.
Gardening can be about movement (and eating!), learning about the trees and flowers, the wildlife they attract and about finding beauty and sounds, enjoying the smells and the rhythm of life.
I encourage you to find something to devote to. Be aware of your illness and be aware of your body at all times. If you want to study your body then do, if you want to study food and find simple ways to make nourishing meals, then do, if you want to study the outside world, then do, if you want to study your family and surroundings then do.
Take time to read, practice, enjoy and find a purpose. If this purpose can continue into your life as you recover and find work, so supporting the rest of your life, then all the better. Just take your time, be aware of your body's needs as you recover and it will happen. Along your own path.